55 at 55

Get comfy, this could take a while

I’m naturally really nosey, and LOVE learning about people. I think India Knight does this particularly well. She’s such an interesting person, and often shares lists and stuff about herself. I’ve been keeping journals and lists and diaries for years (I have a five minute memory - in meetings at work I literally write down what everyone says so I can refer back), and while I was unpacking when I finally moved into my new office upstairs, I skimmed through a few old journals - unsurprisingly there’s loads of old nonsense (I tend to write streams of consciousness to get it out of my head), but there were some things that made me laugh/made me sad/came up a lot, so I thought to celebrate my 55th birthday next week, I would create a list (listicle? Hate that word) of a load of right old shite about me that I’ve learned/liked/hated/experienced over that time. Buckle up, this could be a wild ride…

1. I’m very very happy. Happier than I’ve ever been

2. I was divorced at 50 after 25 years. The marriage was destroyed by an affair (not mine - you can read about it at hungrybecky.com if you want - I can’t read it now. I’ve moved on.)

3. In hindsight, this was the best thing that ever happened to me. This is mostly because I met my absolute soulmate life partner at 50. I’m not embarrassed to say I’m hopelessly besotted. He is just the nicest, calmest, kindest, effortlessly funniest human, who truly loves and gets me.

4. I also have two ridiculously fabulous adult children and one beautiful Amy, who I have adopted as my own even though she has a perfectly good family. She once belonged to Charlie, now she belongs to all of us, forever.

5. I don’t think you need a lot of friends. I have two absolute soul sisters (anam cara) who listen, support, love unconditionally and make me snorty laugh. That’s plenty.

6. I’m really lucky with my family. I have two wonderful older brothers, and a lovely, supportive Mum.

7. I was a little shit when I was a teenager. I therefore fully feel like I deserved it when my two became teens. Payback, baby.

8. I also truly believe that I was a pretty rubbish parent when mine were young. I feel like you’re inherently selfish until your children come along, then you’re expected to just sacrifice everything for them. It’s bloody hard. I like parenting much more now when we can have a beer and a chat, and they have interesting opinions and can wipe their own bottoms.

9. My Dad died. I’ll miss him forever.

10. I didn’t discover I was an introvert until my friend Erica recommended Quiet, by Susan Cain to me, then it all became clear.

11. I’m not a people person. I find most people baffling and complicated, and I don’t find that conversation comes easily. I wonder if it’s just me that has to try really hard at it?

12. On people: my least favourite are those ‘look at me! I’m mad I am! How funny and mad am I?!’ type people. Just no. See also drunk people/drama queens/people who are completely defined by their illnesses/problems. Oh and people who tell lies, apart from white lies to save feelings. Don’t do that.

13. Also, I don’t get sarcasm. Never have, never will. Is it a joke? Are you being mean? My brain can’t compute.

14. I can’t do maths either. Some people are blessed with being able to add up AND spell. I can’t do both I’m afraid.

15. Words, however, are my thing. I learned Latin at school and absolutely loved it. I’m fascinated by derivations. I even have a list of favourite words, that include whimsical, poignant, iridescent, besotted, balmy, sun-soaked, whisper, rustle…

    

16. I believe that finding my life partner has truly changed me as a person. I’m definitely more myself. I can’t really explain it, but before, I had to bend and twist myself to be the person that I was expected to be. I like myself more now. The older I get, the more comfy I am in my own skin. I was never massively confident but I’m getting better. Being yourself is hard because different people expect different things from you, but if my two best friends have taught me anything, it’s to just be you, even if you suspect you’re a bit strange. Strange is good.

17. I like simplicity, in all things

18. I also like quality. I wouldn’t, for example, buy a slightly plasticky jumper from H&M these days. I’d rather spend the same money buying a wool one from Vinted.

19. I manifested our little cottage. I wrote about it in my journal, describing it almost perfectly.

20. I also manifested my partner. My whimsical wishlist 100% came true.

21. The renovation, however, was the hardest thing we’ve ever done, but we certainly learned some new skills. Never again do I wish to ‘glamp’ in my own home for several months, ingesting my body weight in 500 year old dust.

22. I’ve discovered I like gardening. Digging, planning and watching all the new shoots emerging has filled me with unexpected joy.

    

    The garden last summer

23. My wardrobe is smaller than it’s ever been, but I’m probably happier with the clothes I own now than I ever have been.

24. We lived in Ireland for five years. I’ll always love it.

25. It’s Paddy’s Day, not Patty’s Day. Ugh.

26. I’m interested in sustainability and try very hard to reuse/recycle as much as possible.

27. I’m HUGELY scent aware. I’m not sure why, but maybe I was influenced by my Dad, who was a perfumer. I have a very developed sense of smell, to the point where I can’t stand near certain people in the supermarket, for instance because I can smell their clothes/breath/perfume. A visit to the tannery in Marrakech was one of the worst moments of my entire life. The memory of the smell still haunts me.

28. Because of this, our home has to smell delicious at all times. I swear by my wax melt subscription from Glass & Wick, who have the most gorgeous scent combinations.

29. My favourite smells include vanilla, honeysuckle, roses (but not rose perfumes, particularly), warm gorse bushes in the sunshine, geraniums, tomatoes in a greenhouse, freshly cut grass (obvs), woodsmoke, jasmine, mint, coconut, chocolate, and the bitter orange scent of a negroni.

30. I also love flowers. However, bought, cut supermarket flowers slightly give me the ick. Hence I’ve made it my mission to grow my own. Petalon are fab though.

31. After 55 years, I’m pretty aware of what I like, which includes pottering, beaches, sunsets, frothy coconut lattes, frosty walks, cake with cream cheese icing, journalling, lazy winter mornings in bed with the fire lit, a nice Cremant, cheese (but not too much cheese), a wander round a little village, deep conversation, Christmas, mooching in interiors shops, and writing with a proper ink pen.

32. I cry at everything: adverts, choirs, people applauding, people being nice… you name it. I have to consciously rein it in.

33. I have an elderly, slightly demented whippet, who moans a lot, puts muddy paw prints on the sofa and likes a cup of tea at breakfast.

34. In a previous life, I was quite a successful ‘mummy blogger’ (went on trips, made a living, did sponsored stuff, all that jazz). I was also a travel journo - seems forever ago now.

35. I’m solar powered. I need regular charging.

36. I don’t like going out, exactly, but a delicious restaurant meal and a fabulous bottle of wine with a loved one (or more than one) is definitely right up there on my favourite things to do.

37. My favourite month is definitely September. I like the change in the air and that feeling of a fresh, new school year. Give me a new notebook and a lovely ink pen any day.

38. I love to travel - because of my past life, my country count is around 44. I want to keep adding to it.

39. I can’t be doing with drama. No thank you. See also arguing with strangers on the internet. Nope.

40. I’ve got a massive ‘to read’ stack of actual books by my bed, but seem to spend my life reading Substack

41. I’m perpetually surprised that I now have a career in the NHS and absolutely love it, however stressful. It’s the most rewarding thing I’ve ever done, and definitely aligns with my values and has made me realise that it’s okay so say ‘I don’t understand’ and learn new things.

42. However, managing people is one of the hardest things to learn, BUT I have some really fabulous, inspiring, wonderful colleagues. I truly believe the NHS can be better, and these incredible people will make it so.

43. I’ve got a really short attention span and find sitting through films excruciating.

44. See also long meetings. Probably because of this, I’m impatient, and have to try really hard not to interrupt people and attempt to wind up conversations before other people feel they’ve finished.

45. I like glimmers. If you’re not sure what they are, you really should follow Jules Von Hep ✨ who is an actual living angel and ray of sunshine.

46. I’m sweary. I don’t believe it’s a bad thing. I love language and some swears have been around since the middle ages. Nothing wrong with the odd f word now and again.

47. I love a potter about. I’m never happier than when I’m tidying up, plumping cushions, re-arranging stuff on shelves, etc. I just adore being at home, really.

48. I genuinely, truly believe that skincare is one of the best things you can do for your wellbeing. I love a facial, but I’ve realised that I would rather spend a bit more on a really fabulous product that I can use for a few months, than on a facial that will only last a few weeks (however if I had endless budget I would do both). I think Beauty Pie is bloody fabulous.

49. I’m uncomfortable being touched/hugged when I don’t know that person really well. I’m also very aware of my personal space.

50. I absolutely love to cook, and find chopping and stirring really therapeutic.

51. I’ve got a few issues around meat. I don’t like the smell of pork (also I really like pigs and then tend to be the worst treated, welfare wise), so I tend to avoid it. I also have a hatred of any kind of chewy or gristly bit, or bones in fish. I’m definitely not vegetarian, but only occasionally cook meat myself.

52. I like to run. Well, jog. I did Couch to 5k years ago, and got to the stage where I was running 5k three times a week during lockdown (thank god because I was locked down with my ex). I’m not up to that level now but I find it clears my head and makes me feel better.

53. I HAVE to have things to look forward to. I need a holiday booked/a weekend plan/a restaurant reservation - anything that I can think about occasionally and go ‘ooh yay!’. It makes me happy.

54. I once wrote about a quote I saw that said we can’t do anything about the length of this journey – that’s set in the stars – but we can affect the width and the depth, and I loved that. I’m aware that to someone else, my journey may look like I’ve taken the wrong path. My idea of career success is earning just enough to make living the rest of my life as happy and fulfilled as possible… time to spend at home with my loved ones, to eat well, to travel, to explore, but mainly to just be. Someone else’s might be success, promotion, fast cars and cash, and that’s cool too.

55. Above all, I’m endlessly grateful for my life. I’m well aware that ageing is a privilege and I intend to make the most of every second of this fabulous adventure. Thank you for listening to my TED talk.